We open in a suburban living room at night. A DAD, MOM, TWO DAUGHTERS and a SON are watching TV on their living room couch when an ASPCA commercial comes on.

DAD: That one's only got one eye!

MOM: No wonder it was abandoned! Make it go away!!

SARAH McLACHLAN's Angel plays as the whole family is sobbing and scrambling for the remote, gradually going out of focus.

SARAH MCLACHLAN (V.O.): It's happened to all of us: you're enjoying a show about home renovations... Suddenly, an ugly, three-legged, one-eyed excuse for a dog has taken over your TV screen.

Sarah McLachlan enters and walks to center frame, speaking directly to the camera. The family is still sobbing behind her, slightly out of focus.

SARAH MCLACHLAN: Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan. Every day, millions of Americans suffer through commercials of the saddest, grossest dogs ever. But now, with the ASPCA-Listers Club, you don't have to.

CUT TO:

A sunny, suburban street. The music changes to an upbeat, optimistic melody. Sarah walks past adorable dogs running around on sunny front lawns.

SARAH MCLACHLAN: For just $15 a month, we'll stop showing you those mangey mutts and only play commercials with happy, healthy, beautifully-groomed dogs.

CUT TO:

Back in the family’s living room, they’re smiling in the glow of their TV.

SON: I want that one mommy! That's the cutest dog I've ever seen!

SARAH MCLACHLAN: All proceeds from our ASPCA-Listers program go directly to putting prettier pups on your TV screen.

CUT TO:

A truck loading dock during the day. Dozens of feral-looking dogs are being loaded into a semi-truck. Sarah is in the back in a white lab coat, smiling, holding a syringe.

SARAH MCLACHLAN: And more importantly... keeping the uggos off of it.

The door shuts and the back says "ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN". The truck pulls away.

CUT TO:

Back in the living room, the whole family is still on the couch, but Mom and Dad are exchanging looks of concern and confusion with one another, while their kids seem to be going into shock.

CUT TO:

In a dog shelter, Sarah McLachlan walks down a hallway of metal cages with dogs of varying breeds and degrees of health inside. She wears a lab coat, carries a clipboard and pen, and speaks to the camera.

SARAH MCLACHLAN: Feeling extra generous? For just $30 a month, you can join our Premiere Pets tier, which lets you pick what dogs get adopted...

Sarah stops at a cage labeled "MUNCHKIN" with a picture-perfect Pomeranian in it. She smiles at it. Over her shoulder, we see her clipboard says "PRETTY ENOUGH TO PLAY?" with "YES" and "NO" boxes. She checks "YES".

SARAH MCLACHLAN: And which dogs... well, you know.

She walks to the next cage, labeled "MR. T". Inside is a thin, old terrier whose unsightly spots on his skin are showing through his wiry hair. He's got bugs hopping around him and is dragging his butt across the floor.

SARAH MCLACHLAN (in a baby voice to the dog): Worms and fleas? That's not very cute Mr. T!

She checks the "NO" box on her clipboard, continues to the next cage. The camera pans down, showing a blurred out dog and a label that says "THE GUNCH". It's barking excitedly, but even the bark sounds deformed. Sarah looks at it and frowns, then leans into camera lens, speaking straight to the audience.

SARAH MCLACHLAN: Those disgusting, decrepit little monsters you used to see in our commercials? Those are just the ones they let us show you.

Sarah checks the "NO" box with a triumphant swipe of her pen, takes out a gun and aims it at the dog. The camera and music cut out and all we see are neon color bars, but we still hear the gun go off, then...

SARAH MCLACHLAN (O.S.): Bang! Ole yeller style, baby!

CUT TO:

We’re back in the family’s living room once again. The upbeat music stops. The family stares at their TV in horror, mouths agape. Tears stream down the kids' cheeks.

Sarah runs into the frame and starts speaking to them and the camera.

SARAH MCLACHLAN: No, no, don't worry! Nobody wanted that freak show anyway!

Sighs of relief from each family member on the couch.

DAD: Oh thank God. Please never do that to real pets with real feelings.

Upbeat music resumes.

CUT TO:

Inside a very boujee home office, Sarah sits in a big leather chair with the Pomeranian from the shelter on her lap.

SARAH MCLACHLAN: Call the number on your screen right now and we'll throw in one of our embroidered tote bags!

CUT TO:

Tote bags are laid out on a table with cursive stitching on each. One says Pretty Pups Only!; another says Best in Shelter; another, Four Legs and Fur, Nothing More, Nothing Less, another, I Saved A Winner!.

The number on screen is 1-800-CUTE-DOG.

CUT TO:

Back on the sunny suburban street, Sarah stands with the family and dozens of perfect dogs. She's got the Pomeranian in a tote bag that says "FUCK YOUR DOG".

SARAH MCLACHLAN: Become an ASPCA-Lister today and get all the entitlement of a Rescue Parent without any of the sadness!